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you are calm and reposed. let your beauty unfold, pale white like the skin stretched across your bones. spring keeps you ever so close, you are second hand smoke. you are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins, holding onto yourself the best you can,  you are the smell before the rain, you are the blood in my vein.

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In time,
I think
I will be
just fine.
(if not
I'm finding
the wine)

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She sobbed until her nose ran and her throat was sore, and she hit her fist against the fragile black desk, cursing the day her thoughts had overridden her logic.   She sought help before she pulled the trigger and read that, "Suicide is not chosen, it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping." and these words brought her back to reality, and those words made her cry harder.

Death would not relieve her pain and pills could only do so much.  There was no escape from life, because even running away couldn't suffocate the guilt and anxiety, nor the sickness inside her head.  There was no hope except for the hopes and dreams of the future-- these were the things that kept her breathing.

She splashed her face with water and stared at herself in the mirror.  Her red nose, bloodshot eyes, cherry lips and thought about the future.  Than she put down the gun, returned the pills to the container, threw away the razor, stepped back from the cliff and walked away...and kept on living.

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I can't even begin to describe to you what it's like to crave the ability to feel.  When your numb from what is supposed to be emotional devastation you wish more than anything to be allowed to feel the sadness instead of just sitting in a corner of your mind, observing the tragedy and admiring the beauty.

And than you turn on a piercing song that normally you wouldn't be able to hear without crumbling, yet all it does is make the moment more beautiful.  And you sit there and grip your head going insane with the lack of pain, lack of fear, lack of emotion.

BECAUSE IT'S BETTER TO FEEL IT ALL.
It's reassuring.
Like a pulse.
It assures you that you're human.

THE APATHY IS TERRIFYING!!!

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PIC

It's Just a Word

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"No, the word itself is not “just ugly”; that’s the rhetoric of rationalisation, an irrational disgust glossed over with the spurious self-justification that it’s not a taboo, honest, just the aesthetics of the sounds. Cause, yeah, the word “country” really brings that knee jerk response out in us too, doesn’t it? No? No, it’s just a typical English word, like “punt” or “bunt,” “cant” or “count.” It’s not some perfect storm of phonic dissonance that just so happens to be attached to female genitalia. Cunt. What’s the big deal?"

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DIDO

I absolutely adore this chick, her voice is amazing...

hey peeps, how is your weekend?  I am not that wonderful. I had mean dreams, but what is new?  I wake screaming most days, and I chase the monsters away.  I have battled before I even get out of bed. 

Double Trouble - love dont live here anymore

This song is so fucking fabulous and it takes me there. Just fucking groove you punks!!!

Favorite Words

Bless. kiss. poison. music. soul. epiphany. harmony. peace. stardust. shimmer.quixotic.seashell. moonlight. symphony. enigma. sapphire. felicity. synchronicity. serendipity. rogue. essence. nirvana. wickedosity. cinnamon. Zoe. Zion. whisper. dream. pearl.

10 Secrets

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1.  I don't have a home.
2. There are mornings I hate my reflection. Other mornings I hate my own body.
3. I never cried at my father's funeral.
4. I wasn't there when my mom died.
5. My sister threw me away and ignores me.
6.  I was diagnosed bi polar, lupus, and wicked smart.
7. I am lost.
8. I hate for strangers to touch me.
9.  I am part mermaid.
10.  I miss Bode and Zoe so much it hurts.

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